all i have left

Sitting at my house in the spring time is pretty dope. Spring becomes tangible, with the perfect breeze flowing through the house throughout the daylight hours and the wild yellow flowers making the landscape look picturesque. It soothes, helps me think about the goal at hand, which is bascially hoping Original Imprint takes off. It's been on my mind all of the time, and focusing on it now that school is over is the only thing I can do to function, not just because it's about realizing a dream...but I also need to think about it to take my mind off of something else.

I hate my ability to give a damn about something I logically don't believe is worth my time, that being the fact I give a flying fuck about emotions, compassion, connections to another person. It's so lame and I wish I could be robotic about it, just turn off the emotion microchip, and keep going about my day. It would be ideal, so much so that I might never turn it back on again. Some could say that's a bad thing, that being emotionless would make me a little less human. I'm not one to complain there, but on the real, it's better than succombing to things like love and intimacy, infatuation and heartbreak, blah and blah. It's so funny because years ago, I embraced such ability to love openly and endlessly with a woman. Hell, I thought it was amazing. But to paraphrase myself, love is simply necessary for procreation. It helps to keep the species going. I'm not really in the procreation mood right now, so is it necessary to have a girl on my mind all the time? Much less two or three or however many I have such semblance of feeling for, whether they're old school or new news?

Worse part about it, I've done everything short of seeing a doctor (for my head) or getting hypnotized. I probably won't go to those extremes, but seriously, what else must I do? Women are fine and dandy and there will come a time when I'm ready to invest time and effort toward being with one. But not now...I've got too much to do. I'm trying to write movies, produce shows, start companies, be a young man and have fun doing it. Still, in the end, whenever the right girl calls, texts, e-mails, whatever, I'm sucked back in. It's almost like I lose control of myself and some alter ego does all the damage while I look on and am left to feel the results, which are usually bad. At least they have been lately. The problem is that I can't let go of the past, which is strange for a futurist, one who is consistently at what's coming rather than what's behind. Nevertheless, while my vision may be forward, I'm still holding onto what I thought I've left behind; it's no surprise that in the grand scheme of "feelings," I've really only had mad infatuation like twice in the last 8 years, love in that span maybe once or twice at best. Yet, those old relationships haunt my memory and perception. It's like I'm moving forward but looking over my shoulder, unable to turn away even though the past is blinding me. Maybe it's why I've taken a liking to sunglasses.

I once took the plunge years ago in asking one special lady out on a date and ended up getting turned down. I thought it would give me closure, considering it took literally years to gather the courage. Yet, the closure never came. It never did; it never does because if I'm willing to ask you out, ladies, it means I've debated on whether it's worth my time and the deliberation in my head can take many months. In fact, if I were to count, I think I've only asked five girls out in my entire life. The rest of them came to me first and I accepted the offers. But with those five, some aren't as relevant and don't even enter my brain anymore. Hell, I finally got over my last love about a year or two ago, a relationship that ended in 2006 for good. I could have really used 808s & Heartbreak back then, hahaha. Putting my own self-psychoanalysis to it, I would say it's just my habit in not letting go when I'm wrong. I hate losing anything, whether it be an argument or a battle of love, and it seems like I'm constantly in a losing battle. Maybe I'm just looking to win that battle just once, even if it's just for a short while. I'm on a 5-year losing streak and until I get out of my funk, I think I'm going to be overwhelmed with this issue even though other aspects of my life are going incredibly well. I will not lose in the end, this I'm sure of, but unforunately, I couldn't answer you properly if you were to ask when this battle will end. I tend to think of myself as larger than life sometimes, at least my ego tells me so in some cases, but this is one subject that's going to keep me grounded. It's bad that I have to sometimes beg and plead to God Himself to just let me sit this battle out to no avail. Instead, I sit, I reflect, and I stare at my kryptonite.

No Original Black Bear to save the day this time; I need someone to rescue me for once.